In my last post on failure, I talk about defeating shame. Now, only natural consequences remain as deterrents to failure. With the effects of embarrassment ameliorated, how are we to respond?
The answer is to seek after the things we used to be too afraid to do. This is why I now love to, and am able to, chat with strangers. I like people, sure, but I’m also not afraid of rejection like I used to be. There’s still a risk they’ll be grouchy kooks not in the mood, but if I’m over the fear of embarrassment then there’s nothing to be afraid of. If they’re bitter and vitriolic toward me, then I’ve just built character and demonstrated courage, plus I’ve made progress in learning how to shake inconsequential interactions off. Most of the time, it turns out that the stranger is very pleasant and I’ve gotten to positively impact their day.
One caveat before I move on. Sometimes, risking looking like a fool can have natural consequences worse than the embarrassment. If you’re in a professional setting, a faux pas can make a bad impression or worse, lose you your job. Always try to discern the natural consequences of a risky action you’re taking, but remember, the embarrassment really won’t be as bad as you think it will. It’s funny how we lose sleep over awkward moments that happened years ago, when nobody else even remembers it - or sometimes, they didn’t even notice. People are never as focused on you as you think they are - they’re far too focused on themselves and their own social standing. This gives us space to relax; we’re not under scrutiny.
The other freedom we get from defeating shame is that we get to comfortably risk trying new things. I can be really afraid of change and fearful of risking looking like a fool in a new area. I’ll shirk from trying a new food, or more often, going to a new place, because I’m afraid I’ll mess up. I don’t have confidence that I can do well enough because I have no information to base that confidence off of. I need to remember than I. Can. Fail. And it’s okay when I do. In fact, it’s really good for me. In 20 years I will be the man I want to be because of the foundation I’ve set down now, and I’ll be a role model to my kids, and I’ll be a proudly competent father because I’ll have years of intentional growth behind me. Even better, I’ll still have years of intentional growth in front of me.
I need to remember than I. Can. Fail. And it’s okay when I do. In fact, it’s really good for me.
I’ve been getting a lot better at all this. The other day I got a henna tattoo of fire (don’t worry mom, it washes off after a week) and I recently looked like a dork while getting a face mask. These turned out to be great and amazing adventures that I never would have experienced if I were insecure about what people think of me. So go out there and risk failure, and when you mess up, be proud of the courage it took to get there.
Lesson: The biggest risk in trying new things is that we might embarrass ourselves in an unfamiliar situation. This embarrassment is good for us; it makes us grow, and it’s such an everyday part of life that it’s worth practicing. Try new things, and you’ll either love it, or you’ll grow.
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